I feel as though my life is on pause. It's in the middle of some foreseen action, but isn't going anywhere. It's as though I'm walking on a path and am just about to round the corner...and I pause in mid-step.

So, I'm here, suspended in mid-air- as though my happiness is on lay-away. I'm saving it for the future. How strange. I suppose that I'm looking into the future and saying that my joy lay there...but if I'm not satisfied now, with my current state, how can I expect to be so later on? I'm just in a transition period- they're always the worst. Everything stops: my job is drudgery, but not a bad gig; I feel as though I'm less interesting, now. And I realize that I need an adventurous state of mind.

I've always liked to shake things up. But now I'm caught up worrying about finances and my future life. How ridiculous, this overtly-logical existence! I want to have some fun, even if things aren't totally satisfactory. I'm going to get a new job...tutoring and substituting...and maybe doing something else...something stimulating! I need to get moving again. I've let roots sprout in a boring state-of-mind. It's time to rip them up and move to more lively soil!

I'm thankful for my wonderful support system, though. It's just time for me to rally myself and call the shots- make it happen, instead of just dreaming it up!

Change

Hello! I've been on hiatus for quite awhile, and I suppose that it's because I really don't feel the same as I had when I began this blog. I was caught up in something that left me feeling terribly empty and confused and misguided. Now, I see where I want to be! I'm happy with my life and where it's going. I am not caught up in a thick fog anymore. I have a plan. I share a plan and a future. And that makes it all so much more worthwhile :)

He Puts Me Into a State of Grace

Never have I been so bold as now. I would do almost anything to be close to him - even run from everything that I've ever known. It's crazy. . . but I don't care! It feels right to me. :)

Tears: to cleanse or to drown?

Somehow I cannot summon tears anymore.

Looking back at the past year, I can hardly believe that it has been a year.

And I hear songs that resound my life and love and sorrow...and I remember them all and I sit down in cold ashes...I reflect and I mourn again and again and again and I wonder when will I learn to no longer hurt, to no longer allow the past to monopolize the present. I can wish to walk forward, and yet I realize my folly and I weep...I want to weep. There are few tears left for all that. There will be too much sorrow for the future. I'm saving my tears.

Back to Life, Back to Reality

I have spent the past week in New York City...and I think that I fell in love. It was amazing and overwhelming and inspiring. I could not live there for long, though...I could tell that the people were hard and jaded-- they had to be, that's survival. I will definitely be back again. I discovered quite a few things about myself and have been encouraged through this experience to be more like me, no matter the situation or the setting. I am excited to take what I have learned and to implement it in my life :) There's so much to tell, but I cannot possibly explain it all....

Poetry and Revelations

Today, I had a revelation that unfolded through my pen. I pondered the ever-present question: "Why?" Why am I so guarded, so uncertain to allow anyone to be close enough to understand me fully? I know the answer. I've known it for some time. And I know that I'm ready to be hurt again, because I want so much to love again. I want to share myself with someone, without knowing whether or not I'll get burned a third or fourth or hundredth time and allowing myself to be broken-- not just in romantic relationships, either...just to people in general. I'm shut off to everyone, and it's exhausting, trying to be someone that anyone will like, or just ignore. It's so easy to live that way...but that's not what my life is meant for, I know it's not. I'm tired. I give up. I have to be broken before I can be open, and I have been broken...it's time to open up and stop hiding from the world. Stop being afraid.

Pages and People and Souls

I just finished reading Lynda Van Devanter's Home Before Morning and wept. I wanted to weep for hours, simply because her story touched something inside of me. It reminds me of just how easily we forget about others...or maybe just how I do. I forget that I'm not the only person undergoing a serious identity crisis, a displaced feeling, a loneliness that ebbs in and out of my conscious thought each day...I feel fallen, like a giant regression into someone completely unlike myself, but the mirror tells me otherwise. I wish that I could take back my former fears...that I could have allowed myself the happiness that I deserved and wanted. But I cannot, only move forward and onward and beyond what I can possibly imagine for the future. I can only learn and feel and reason in a moment and cannot cannot cannot take back anything said or thought or done or undone. I can wish; wishing does nothing. Sometimes, I hope for the opportunity to have it all swirl back around and face me, so that the walls can crumble in just a moment. But walls rarely crumble quickly - the only wall that must fall between here and that ideal moment is the sad little wall between doubt and truth and faith in what matters. But, somehow, that is the hardest wall of all.

Another Beginning....

I guess that the reason I wanted to start this blog is because I feel as though my struggle needs to be verbalized, because I just don't really know how to tell people otherwise...for many, it doesn't make sense - censoring myself constantly...battling with my baser instincts...and failing utterly every day.

Today:

I have come to the realization that I have been shirking my ability for understanding others; I was once gung-ho about being an understanding, compassionate person...but lately, I've let bitterness take over and I've allowed myself to become wrapped up in anger and frustration instead. I've been overwhelmed with dread and resentment for far too long - I've let myself revert back to my Doldrum days...but I have a choice. I can either choose to overcome my anxieties, or I can wallow in them some more...pitying myself, rather than building myself back up.

So that's that. Let's see where the rest of this battle takes me.